This past week has been downright hard. There's no other way to describe it. It reminds me once again of how this thing called cancer can really come into an otherwise normal existance and reap chaos!
Saturday I accompany Daniel to his aunt's funeral in Montréal. She died of cancer. OK, this was probably not a good idea on my part, but I wanted to be there for his family. So I hear..."But your cancer is different." " Breast cancer treatment has progressed so much." "Her situation was much more serious..." But, hey, when it comes down to it, the bottom line: she had cancer, it came back, she died. I don't want to sound morbid, but I was thrust once more, face to face with my own mortality. I know we all will die some day, of some cause. And that my eventual death may not even be related to this cancer...but, well, it was just too close to home. I didn't anticipate the fallout afterwards...
Then there's the "tropical moments"! Every night now, I wake several times in cold sweats, rushing to remove the pile of blankets. Then a few hours later, freezing to death...not fun! My doctor had warned me before chemo started that one of the side effects would probably be that I would be thrust into menopause early. Well, it's here! And with a vengeance! And all that comes with it - emotional roller coaster, tears, fatigue, meltdowns and my internal combustion furnace, not just at night. And I know that this is also hard on my little family, who must wonder sometimes, I'm sure, who took away their mom and replaced her with this crazy person!?
So, I make myself look up from my black hole to God's Word and I read what the apostle Paul wrote so many, many years ago. I know he wasn't going through chemo or menopause, but hey, his life was not a walk in the park.
"We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. This shows that the great power is from God, not from us. We have troubles all around us but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up... So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. " 2 Corinthians 4:7,8,16 (the Living Bible. the Message)
I am so not there, every day. Some days I'm actually pretty far from this reality. But there is hope. It's real. It's out there. I just have to reach out and grasp it.