Highs and lows

I am thankful to say that following my treatment last Wed. I did not have the same intense side effects as after the fourth treatment - the regular aches and pains, some stomach sensitivity etc, but very controllable with the meds. Thank God!

On Monday, March 23rd I turned 50 yrs old! Originally I was supposed to be going through my last chemo treatment on that day. But because of day changes and treatments being put off, that didn't happen. And I'm glad for that because I was able to attend my wonderful surprise party organized for me by my family and friends this past Sunday.

They did a marvelous job - I didn't suspect a thing! It was so touching to see reunited in one room many lovely ladies who have been a part of my life at different stages since I have lived in Quebec: from my 2 sisters-in-law and Mother-in-law to friends from our old church in Pointe-aux Tembles to friends from the homeschool group in Vermont and so on. Quite the cross-section of people, some speaking English and some French, but all who have touched my life in some way over the past 28yrs.

I was so overwhelmed with joy, happiness and thankfulness that these ladies would come to Dunham to celebrate me, so touched by their love. And then there were the cards filled with notes of encouragement that I could only read the next day, cause I didn't think my heart could take so much emotion in one day! Thank you to those who came and to those who sent cards or messages via email or Facebook. I was very touched and felt loved!

 A couple of days later I find out the news of 3 ladies deaths from cancer, two from breast cancer, one who I knew personnally. Talk about a nose dive into the depths of sadness. It has been a hard few days, many tears, those old fears resurfacing. I let the tears fall, knowing that this too is for a season. My body and emotions are becoming weary of this journey, but the end is near.

A song by Michael W. Smith has been an encouragement to me to hang on when I don't feel like it:

There's a rose in the desert
Blooming red in the drought
There's a quenching rain
In the wings of the gathering clouds

Lift your eyes
Look to the horizon now
There's still a hope for us
Reach up from the dust
And call it down

One of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 139, reminds me over and over again the God has my story in His hands, under His control. I do not have to fear the story of another person. That was her story for reasons that I cannot and may not ever comprehend. My story is unique and different and I can trust the author, for He is faithful.

 Psalm 139:15-16

My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
and intricately put together in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw me unformed,
yet in Your book
all my days were written, before any of them came into being.

 

I'm 5/6th of the way there!

I am happy to report my 5th chemo treatment went well on Wed. March 18th. No side effects during treatment. They had reduced the dose of chemo and added some benadryl in order to try and reduce the reactions I had last time. We modified the  meds also. So hopefully this upcoming week will be uneventful with regards to side effects. And we have changed the way in which the injections will be administered in order to try and maintain a reasonable level for my white blood cell count. I am going to have to be wise with regards to resting regularly during the next 3 weeks so my body can build up its strength and my white blood cells can be produced sufficiently before my next treatment.

Thinking back on my treatments, I think my visits have become part of the comic relief in the chemo room. Last time my friend Karey brought the tropical decor and this time I was accompanied by my long time (20 yrs+) friend Joanne. She decided to keep me entertained by a drawing game similar to pictionary (Telestrations) while I soaked my feet and hands. We laughed so much! Seriously, how can hair extensions be interpreted as a Hassidic, orthodox Jew?? There was a quirk in the game though - when it was her turn to draw and have me guess, she simply drew, I guessed. But when it was my turn, I couldn't draw of course (hands soaking in ice) so she closed her eyes and I dictated how to draw my picture. Then she opened her eyes and tried to guess the picture. It was sort of like 2 games in 1.
Sometimes we laughed so hard, I think the other patients thought we were crazy! Well it did give them something to keep their minds off their own treaments. At one point, because of all the fun we were having, I didn't even notice that water from the melted ice had seeped into the ziplock bags and my socks were soaking wet! So, like the good friend she is, Joanne whipped off her socks and gave them to me to finish the soaking and afterwards went home with no socks on in her boots. You know you're good friends when you can wear your her used, sweaty socks!! Then everyone in the room had their opinion on what to do next - with my wet socks, drying off my feet, how to reposition the new ziplocks. It was a hoot!

 I realized afterwards that normally every medical appointment or procedure we have during our lives is usually very private. It's one on one with the health care provider or providers. But not chemo. We are all (this time 7 of us) in one room, positionned in a circle. So you have to look at each other, whether you want to or not. Chemo is lived out in community, with the advantages and disadvantages of this set up. One can see first hand other patients' reactions, fears, joys. One can hear words of encouragement from caregivers, nurses, advice from the medical staff etc. I tell you, we're in this together - not very private at all. I wondered about this with Daniel - is it primarily a budget thing, need for less nurses? Is it just convenient for the surveillance if something goes wrong with one patient the nurse can respond more quickly, being in the same room? This is probably true. But maybe there is some additional reason. Knowing you're not alone in the battle, that there are others going through the same journey, some even worse off than you are, sort of makes it less scary. There is an inspiration and encouragement in knowing others are going through the same struggles as you are, and they can smile through this too. I do sincerely hope we made a positive impact to those surrounding us on that day. We certainly did make them smile and I'm sure some had stories to tell when they arrived home.

On slaying giants and facing fears

Well the first week of March was glorious and not just because it was March break. My sister Susan came for a week from Newfoundland to visit and support me in this whole ordeal. What a great time we had, laughing, reminiscing, shopping, snowshoeing and just basically getting out of the "cancer routine". She was originally scheduled to be here with me during one of my treatments but because there had been delays, it didn't work out. However, it was much more fun this way and Daniel and the girls and I really appreciated her time with us and practical help in the house.

 

 Then the after sister's visit/ before chemo blues hit. Needless to say I was "fit to be tied" as they say in Newfoundland. As the week advanced and I missed my sister I also began anticipating with much anxiety this next chemo treatment, knowing it would be the same drug and fearing the same uncomfortable, yes even painful adverse reactions. I really began to lose heart and get discouraged. The emotions just seem to come out of nowhere and completely overwhelm me.

During this time my solace was in song. And I quickly realized why the Psalmist David used song so much when he was fighting his own battles, some of them literally battling for his life. So I turned once again to my CDs and my mp3 player and forced myself to hear God's truth told, whether I wanted to or not, and to be open to receive this comfort and the reminders that sometimes can come only hidden in a beautiful melody.

Here are some parts of songs that have greatly spoken to my heart this week:

Steven Curtis Chapman - Our God Is In Control

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

 

Kristyn and Keith Getty - Jesus Draw me ever nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial                                 
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne

Aaron Keyes - You are Sovereign over us

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears

You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting, You're sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding, You're teaching us to trust

CHORUS

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and in the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory

 

Then this past Tuesday afternoon I find out the news that my white blood cell count is too low again and my chemo will be put off for another week, once again.

I was frustrated at first because this pushes everything ahead, but then realized that this is probably just what I need - another week to make my body stronger, readjust my meds and just relax and rest. Moreover, when I look back to what God has been trying to teach me through song, I can only have a thankful heart. He is in control, sovereign. He does know what He's doing and I can slay those giants and face those fears with Him, in every valley.

 

The famous fourth treatment

Well, I haven't written for a while, so I decided to do so again in the wee hours of the morning after being awakened by my ususal "tropical moment". Didn't have much inspiration these days for writing without sounding like I'm complaining, so I decided not to write at all.

How did the aftermat of this fourth treatment turn out, you may wonder? What can I say? Terrible. I had so many side effects - severe mouth sores, achy bones, intestinal issues, skin rash, nasal bleeding...but the worse was the heartburn and stomach pains which caused me an overnight visit to the emergency room. Things are stable now, thanks to various meds - lots of meds. Sometimes it's hard to remember the day when there were no pill bottles on the counter, no prescriptions to get filled. Me, who hardly ever took anything besides an occasional tylenol, I now live in the presence of my newfound friends, those little transparent containers filled with colorful candylike potions called RELIEF.

I have since heard from several people that the fourth treatment was their worse one. So, I take heart, knowing I am not the exception. And throughout these difficult few weeks of pain and sleepness nights, once again I am amazed and thankful for the wonderful team of people that surround me, who have done everything to help me get through this journey easier. From my doctor, who herself battled breast cancer last year, to my dear pharmacist who calls to find out how I'm making out, to the nurses at the CLSC who try so every gently to take blood from my so tired veins. I thank God for caring healthcare workers. Thoughtfulness and concern have been communicated and have been so appreciated by this weary patient. So I'm encourgaged once more to battle on and not give up. Only two treatments to go!

Manicure and pedicure - Quebec winter version

Just back from chemo. It went well and believe it or not I did have a "tropical moment" just as I was starting to soak my nails. That did help at least for the first little while!  It wasn't as bad as I thought, just that moment when your toes pain because they are completely frozen and are not yet numb. After that I couldn't feel anything. Reminded me of when I was a little kid and refused to come inside on a winter's day because I was having so much fun, trying to ignore my frozen feet.  Karey kept me busy as we yack, yack, yacked. And she even set up a tropical corner with a picture of palm trees, flowers in a vase and a little flowery crown for my head, so I could imagine I was on a beach in the hot sun!!! It was a blast!!

The pictures below show us in the chemo room at the hospital: Karey, who is wearing her Hawaian shirt and me in the flowery crown! This was during my intervenous chemo treatment and soaking of my finger/toe nails. You will notice the great ziplock bags to protect my feet. Pretty chic, hey?!

Thanks, Karey for making an otherwise nerve-wrecking day, one of fun and laughter!!

 

 

An over-flowing heart

This past week-end - Valentine's week-end, Daniel and I were invited to give a conference for couples in a church in Terrebonne, north of Montreal. What a joy! I didn't know if I was going to have enough energy to particpate or not. However, once again, God was faithful to renew my strength and I was able to teach with Daniel. All went very well.

I am always amazed at the truth of when we are willing to give we also receive so much in return. I was very moved to meet up again with people who were a regular part of my life when we lived in Repentigny, but who, because of distance and just plain life have drifted out of our lives. What a joy to see each other again after many years! I also received much encouragement from those people (some of whom I didn't know before) who told me they had been praying for us. So much love was communicated through a simple smile, handshake, hug or the sharing of similar trials. My heart was touched deeply. In French there is an expression which translates in English: "love gives wings" or "loves makes you soar". I feel as if I received new wings this past week-end. In a book I'm reading called "My Grandfather's Blessings", written by a doctor/psychiatristrist who works with people who have life-threatening diseases, we read a sentence that describes exactly what I experienced. She writes: "Sometimes just being in someone's presence is strong medicine." Thank you to those, who by your presence brought great encouragement to my heart!

When we arrived home on Saturday we find the house all decorated and the table set with a beautiful red tablecloth, all ready for our Valentine's Day supper as a family. We heat up a meal previously prepared for us with love by a dear friend and enjoy it together as we listen to the melodious voice of Charles Aznavour serendade us. Savouring those moments together!

Thursday, if all goes well with my white blood cell count, I will have my fourth chemo treatment. The thought of going in again for chemo does not appeal to me at all, especially knowing that this time it is a new drug and also I will have to soak my finger and toe nails for 1 hr in ice during the treatment. Sometimes I struggle with anxiety at the thought of the treatment and the unknown reactions I may have. At the same time I know that once this is over I am one step closer to the end of the treatments. So I go forward and will try to do so with serenity, wearing the new wings I received on the week-end.

Laughter is the best medicine

Well, because life is not always hard and dramatic. Actually there are some pretty funny moments too. Maintaining a sense of humour throughout my journey has been something that has helped me immensely. I once heard an interview with a lady who was over 100 yrs old. When she was asked the secrets to her longevity, one of her responses was: the ability to laugh at herself.
In one of the books I'm reading called: Living through Breast Cancer with Faith, Hope and Laughter I found the following quotes, which ring so true to me at this time:

Humour is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of a prayer.  -Reinhold Niebuhr

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.- Martha Washington

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. -Lord Byron

Give me a sense of humor, Lord
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.  -Prayer in Chester Cathedral

So the following photos are my comic relief...enjoy!

See what he puts me through?!

Luckily, his assistant is more gentle

                                                  Do you see the ressemblance? 

I look into my Crystal ball and see...a bright future!


                        With the "Moms' night out" girls. Who is that beautiful blond?!




Having fun with the wigs



       

                    OK it is MY wig                                   My "Madame" look    

Some winter fun shots - because there are days when I am feeling good!

Downhill skiing with Rachel - Just started learning to ski last winter and I love it on the slopes!

Skating with my honey (no needle included)

A walk in the woods on a beautiful winter day

A funeral, hot flashes and the M word...

This past week has been downright hard. There's no other way to describe it. It reminds me once again of how this thing called cancer can really come into an otherwise normal existance and reap chaos!

Saturday I accompany Daniel to his aunt's funeral in Montréal. She died of cancer. OK, this was probably not a good idea on my part, but I wanted to be there for his family. So I hear..."But your cancer is different." " Breast cancer treatment has progressed so much." "Her situation was much more serious..." But, hey, when it comes down to it, the bottom line: she had cancer, it came back, she died. I don't want to sound morbid, but I was thrust once more, face to face with my own mortality. I know we all will die some day, of some cause. And that my eventual death may not even be related to this cancer...but, well, it was just too close to home. I didn't anticipate the fallout afterwards...

Then there's the "tropical moments"! Every night now, I wake several times in cold sweats, rushing to remove the pile of blankets. Then a few hours later, freezing to death...not fun! My doctor had warned me before chemo started that one of the side effects would probably be that I would be thrust into menopause early. Well, it's here! And with a vengeance! And all that comes with it - emotional roller coaster, tears, fatigue, meltdowns and my internal combustion furnace, not just at night. And I know that this is also hard on my little family, who must wonder sometimes, I'm sure, who took away their mom and replaced her with this crazy person!?

So, I make myself look up from my black hole to God's Word and I read what the apostle Paul wrote so many, many years ago. I know he wasn't going through chemo or menopause, but hey, his life was not a walk in the park.

"We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. This shows that the great power is from God, not from us. We have troubles all around us but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up... So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. " 2 Corinthians 4:7,8,16 (the Living Bible. the Message)

I am so not there, every day. Some days I'm actually pretty far from this reality. But there is hope. It's real. It's out there. I just have to reach out and grasp it.

I'm halfway there!

Chemo #3 finally went ahead and went well on this past Wed. No major side effects so far...except this insomnia craziness! My good friend Angie came along and we had lots of fun chatting as she whipped up another crocheted dish cloth. Thanks for being there for me! Rachel lets me borrow her "Baby Minou" (precious stuffed cat featured in the photo below) to comfort me each time. I have to do 10 days of injections following the chemo this time, instead of the usual 7 because they want to make sure my white blood cell count won't go down too low again. Not looking forward to that, but trying to give myself a good talking to and convince myself it's not so bad. I'm still such a chicken when it comes to needles. I really don't turn after my Mom, the nurse! Daniel, my private nurse, is standing on call, ready to be overworked if necessary. ha, ha! He's such a good sport about it all and has his only personal assistant nurse in Rachel, who sets up everything beforehand and makes certain with much seriousness that he has sanitized his hands before and more than once if ever he happens to touch something before my injection! Maybe we do have a future nurse in the family.
I am feeling thankful and encouraged to finally reach this milestone in my chemo treatment - only 3 more treatments to go! The next 3 are going to be with another type of medication, which may bring on different side effects. We'll just take it one treatment at a time and face whatever challenges come up then.

My battery is low

This thing called cancer is weird! Just yesterday when I read a friend's prayer request for 3 ladies who are going through cancer treatments, I found myself surprised to see my name among them! It was like once again I didn't belong in that club - why was my name there, I'm not sick. I'm totally normal?!

Oh my!! Sometimes it still seems so unreal. But then my body screams:"Go to bed. Take a nap!"  My battery light is flashing that energy is getting low, the alarms are sounding! And reluctantly (yes, I know this is hard to grasp) I go to bed for a nap or a rest. Why do I fight this so? Why can't I just give in graciously to my body's demands, with peace and serenity? Why can't I realize that stopping and resting is the biggest and most important job I have to accomplish now, at this moment in my life? I have always been a go, go, go person, a busy bee. Guess I turn after my Aunt Violet! Stopping and putting my life on hold while I get through this is one of my biggest challenges. I think this is harder than the physical side effects. I know that in cancer, the biggest battles are those waged between one's two ears, in the mind. So I continue on with hope, that I will win this battle also and run to the finish line of this race. Because yes, it is a marathon and not a sprint!